Article 1
Bros before hoes. I cannot stress this enough. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone. In addition to this, you must still remember mum's before bums because your mum is always there for you even if you never want her to be.
Article 2
Never drink the last beer, unless you've been granted specific permission that it's OK.
Article 3
If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time:
A. Was an ex-girlfriend.
B. Your friend specifically told you he wanted her.
C. Is you're buddy's sister.
However, if it's your buddy's cousin, well she's up for grabs, and you're welcome to rub it in his face for years to come.
Article 4
Never diss a guy if his team just lost a crushing game. I lost approximately nine friends last October who felt the need to bust my balls when the Red Sox lost to the Devil's Bitches. Just leave it alone, it's kinder to pick on them for a dead relative.
Article 5
You shall not own a cat.
Article 6
If you get 2 tickets to the big game, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows:
1. Your best friends (in order of how long you've known them).
2. Your acquaintances.
3. Your co-workers.
4. The mailman.
5. The UPS guy.
6. NASA.
7. John Kerry.
....1,485,726. Your girlfriend.
Article 7
You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. (Mine are Dawson's Creek and Love, Actually). You may have no more. And if you like Grease, well, we're already too late.
Article 8
Birthday and Christmas presents for your guy friends are optional. Beer always makes a great gift.
Article 9
If you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once.
Article 10
There are no mercy rules when playing someone in Madden, hoops, street hockey, bare-fisted boxing, etc.
Article 11
If you owe someone money, pay them back as soon as humanly possible—unless it's a gambling debt, which must be paid immediately.
Article 12
Standard shotgun rules are as follows.
A. Shotgun may only be called within full sight of the car.
B. Shotgun must be called outside.
C. Shotgun calls last approximately ten minutes.
D. Shotgun never carries over to a second ride.
Article 13
NO PDA (Public Displays of Affection). Hey, congratulations, another girl can stand the sight of you. You don't need to wear her like a ******* trophy.
Article 14
It's alright to cheat at any game where money isn't involved. In certain circumstances, relationships may be classified as "games."
Article 15
Don't tell other guys elaborate stories about your weightlifting exercise routine. No one cares.
Article 16
Never openly question another guy's sports wisdom, unless said information specifically pertains to your favorite team. It doesn't matter how ludicrous the other guy sounds telling you that Jake Plummer was better than Steve McNair last season, let him be.
Article 17
When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she's dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that's the case, make it quick.
Article 18
Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches.
Article 19
Never share a bed with a guy, unless there's no way around it.
Article 20
Bros Before Hoes. I know, I already used it. I can't stress it enough, though. It is absolutely infuriating how many of my guy friends have become insufferable ***** since they've gone out with someone.
Article 26
A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight. A Bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety, in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation.
Article 34
Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way.
Article 53
A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection. In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion.
Article 56
A Bro shall never reveal the score of a sporting event to another Bro until that Bro has thrice confirmed it’s cool.
Article 57
A Bro may not speculate on the expected Bro / chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
Article 58
If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and / or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless whether he thinks his Bro already knows.
Article 59
One Bro makes a solo chick attack. A second Bro provides a crutch. A third Bro rounds out the pack. But a fourth Bro is one too much.
Article 60
Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girl’s wildly unattractive cousin / friend / mother.
Article 61
A Bro shall honor his father and mother.
Article 62
In the event that two Bros acquire the same target, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet roshambo shall determine the outcome.
Article 63
In a scenario in which two or more Bros are engaged in entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity, including but not limited to; the high five, the first bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
Article 64
A Bro must provide his bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
Article 65
A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drink(s) among Bros with the proviso that no existing wager supersedes this purchase and exchange of spirits.
Article 66
If a Bro suffers pain from a permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a “that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary – deserved or not – regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.
Article 67
Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.
Article 68
If a Bro is on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possibly to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or temporarily immigrating to a foreign country.
Article 76
If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say “I love you,” he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic, Berry White-esque tone.
Article 77
A Bro never cries.
Article 78
A Bro shall never steal his wingman’s chick.
Article 79
At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he’s not horrified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots. If a Bro’s date should catch the bouquet, he shall act excited (if he wishes to sleep with her ever again) before scurrying to the bar to join the garter Bro for a very stiff drink and/or shots.
Article 80
A Bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the "tricycle."
Article 81
A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros.
Article 82
If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to ‘take it back’ or ‘apologize’ to make amends. That’s inhuman.
Article 83
A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever ‘love’ thy neightbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.
Article 84
A Bro shall stop whatever he’s doing and watch Die Hard if it’s on TV. -Ditto The Shawshank Redemption -Also Top Gun, The Big Lebowski, and the first half of Full Metal Jacket.
Article 85
If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros. His Bros are required to whistle, even if they have no idea what they’re whisting at.
Article 86
When a Bro meets a chick, he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.
Article 87
A Bro never questions another Bro’s stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can, however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.
Article 88
If a Bro, for whatever reason, must drive another Bro’s car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirment results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a gaint praying mantis would.
Article 89
A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro. When out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a Bro tells a chick.
Article 90
A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, thougth etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.
Article 91
If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjecent yet more demeaning nickname.
Article 92
A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance. -To maintain the purity of such a beautiful, impersonal, and vapid relationship, a Bro never becomes emotionally attached to his booty call.
Article 93
Bros don’t speak french to one another.
Article 94
If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees
Article 95
A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman, regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally
Article 96
Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire -Attempt to start a fire outside.
Article 97
Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro’s college’s ass all over the field this weekend.
Article 98
A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event. See "The Bro who Cried ‘Hot Chicks’" for an example.
Article 99
A Bro never asks for directions when lost. Exceptions:
A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick who seems to know the area
A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lost.
A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he’s not lost at all.
Article 100
When pulling up to a spotlight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection -If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the Bro, the Bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he’s not wearing his sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull them down to get a better look.
Article 101
If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave.* This is what makes them Bros, not chicks. * And beyond, if the Bro discovers there is indeed life after death. -A woman’s lust for gossip is matched only by her passion to have babies and accessorize. As such, a Bro should take heed when divulging a secret to a married Bro.
Article 102
A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.
Article 103
A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it.
Article 104
A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro. Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.
Article 105
If a Bro not invited to another Bro’s wedding, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, even if, let’s face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked the perfect wedding gift and everything. It’s cool. No big whoop.
Article 106
Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall never bear the end of it that night.
Article 107
A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging. Besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of leaving a Bro out to dry in public can be devastating. If you ever see a Bro, even one you don’t know, looking around frantically wiht a paw held high in the air, throw him a Brone and hit him up top.
Article 108
If a Bro forgets a guys name, he may call him ‘bra,’ ‘dude,’ or ‘man,’ but never ‘Bro.’
Article 109
When Bros attend a sporting event and find themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their bicepts while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective ranking to the contrary.
Article 110
If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anythign within his means to ensure the desired outcome.
Article 111
If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after sending a few angry e-mails to random contacts and then deleting the sent messages.
Article 112
A Bro doesn’t sing along to music in a bar. Exception:
A Bro may participate in karaoke
Exception to Exception:
No chick songs
Article 113
A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.
Acceptable Age-Difference Formula:
x < y/2+7 — x= chick’s age; y= Bro’s age
This formula limits crafty old-timers from scooping up all the younger hotties, while also preventing Bros from seeing a crusty old man with a hot chick and being forced to imagine them getting in ton in their adjustable bed.
Article 114
If a Bro must crash on his Bro’s couch for an extended period of time, he shal offer to split the cost of toilet paper and cable bill if said period exceeds two weekks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, which ever is more applicable.
Article 115
A ‘clothing optional’ beach doesn’t really mean ‘clothing optional ‘ for Bros.
Article 116
A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bro’s chances to score with a chick. Every Bro is endowed with a right of life and a right to pursue hot chicks. Violating either of thes God-given rights is a heinous offense that could result in the strictest penalty reconized in the Bro Code: loss of permanent shotgun status.
Article 117
A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fool’s errand of getting up to manually change the channel. -It is fully expected a Bro will try anything to gain possession of the remote, up to and including an attempt to flatulently smoke his Bro(s) out of the room.
Article 118
When a Bro is with his Bros, he is not a vegetarian.
Article 119
When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar…a Brotorcycle.
Article 120
A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name. The exception is if a Bro’s last name is also a racial epithet.
Article 121
Even if he’s never skied before, a Bro doesn’t trifle with the bunny slope. If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the ‘conditions.’
Article 122
A Bro is always psyched. Always. See Classic ‘Get Psyched Songs.’
Article 123
Two Bros shall maintian at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor. even when reenacting the knife fight from ‘beatit, ‘ which, i guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.
Article 124
If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.
Article 125
If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in the Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.
Article 126
In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
Article 127
A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous neight, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying ‘i love you, man’ to all his Bros.
Article 128
A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination, or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, it’s preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code…half naked from the waist up, naturally.
Article 129
If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he does not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.
Article 130
If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay. See Conner Morrison
Article 131
While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car’s ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hid the jack by the side of the road so he’ll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.
Article 132
If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancee and results in a ‘no sex’ penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ. -A bride thinks of her wedding day as the happiest day of her life. A groom thinks of his wedding day as the saddest: his marriage signifies the death of Broing out with his Bros. But there’s a simple way for the groom to send his Bros out with a bang…bridesmaids. Squeezed into ugly identical dresses, bridesmaids have one goal: to get out of them. Studies have shown that a cocktail of jealousy, Bros in formal wear, and well, cocktails make a bridesmaid one of the most accessible chicks on the planet.
Article 133
A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro. Exeption: “Pull my finger”
Article 134
A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman. Since the dawn of man, Bros have spoken in hushed tones about a wingman with powers so awesome, one wink could summon a dozen hotties to your side. I’m speaking, of course, about the ‘wingwoman’. Think of it: if your wingman already knows what women want to hear, isn’t that an advantage far greater than having a lot of money, a full head of hair, or even a speedboat? Yes, and the best part is that wingwomen do exist. To acquire one, though, you’ll need to overcome the sexist mesconceptions that so often scare chicks away from helping Bros bang other chicks.
Article 135
If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: 1. foot race to the car 2. silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, 3. a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.
Article 136
When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested ‘it was ok.’ -A Bro never brings a camera to a bachelor party. The only memento a Bro is allowed to bring home from a bachelor party is one that can only be destroyed by penicillin.
Article 137
When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros.
Article 138
A real Bro doesn’t laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin. Exeption: unless he doesn’t know the guy.
Article 139
Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that yes, ‘Broadway’ begins with ‘Bro.’ Exception: A Bro is allowed to quote or sing the song, "Springtime for Hitler" from "The Producers"
Article 140
A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes for a date. The Lemon Law The Lemon Law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a Bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. How many times has a Bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked predator? Now, with the Llemon Law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the Predator’s time. Simply present your date with a Lemon Law card, and you’re out the door.
Article 141
A Bro can only get a manicure if
(a) he’s trying to sleep with the hot asian woman performing the manicure, or
(b) it’s been longer than a month since last manicure. It’s called the Bro Code, not the Slob Code.
Article 142
A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.
Article 143
When executing a high five, a Bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers or grasping his Bro’s hand
Article 144
It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it’s still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wrestling to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided, each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.
Article 145
A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text, or e-mail in a timely fashion.
Article 146
A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bro – Providing graphic detail when describing a sexual feat unconsciously forces your Bros to picture you naked… and there’s no comming back from that.
Article 147
If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro’s back. Exceptions:
If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary-looking guy.
If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week.
If the Bro has a note from a physician exusing him from having anybody’s back.
Article 148
A Bro doesn’t listen to chick music…in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyche, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.
Article 149
A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars
Article 150
No sex with your Bro’s ex. -It is never, ever permissible for a Bro to sleep with his Bro’s ex. Violating this code is worse than killing a Bro.
It is up to the betrayed bro as to whether or not he wants to continue being bro's with the bro who slept with his ex, and if he wants to stay bro's, the following rule(s) apply. Here's the example.
So one of your bro's happens to sleep with your ex. Now that’s some cold stuff on your bro's behalf for sure, but it happened and you don't feel like losing a good bro to a loopy chick. That’s where $40 comes in! Now there are limitations and guidelines to this.
1. Your bro must have met your ex through you, as in you introduced her to him when you were dating
2. You can only collect 40 bucks once an Ex otherwise you're just a pimp (and not a bro)
3. If she was tag teamed by 2 guys at once, then yes, you would collect 80 bucks.
It is also customary to take the $40 from your bro, and buy pizza and/or beer with him.
Article 151
It's not rape if you yell surprise. This is very important because to forget this could result in such annoying inconveniences as a restraining order, being sued for 'sexual harassment', pepper-spray to the face, or the common kick to the groin. To yell surprise relieves a small portion of the aggressive tension and gives an inarguable forewarning to the selected hot chick.